Hypochondria!

Pill anyone?

Contemplating the daily conversations that take place in (let's say) the office, it doesn't take long to realise that Hypochondria:

"Hypochondria is a belief that physical symptoms are signs of a serious illness, even when there is no medical evidence to support the presence of an illness. Hypochondriacs are overly focused on their physical health, they have an unrealistic fear of having a serious disease and are often unable to control their fears and worries." (courtesy of PubMed Health)

is more common (and at times contagious) than you could ever imagine. Of course, this is a genuine medical condition (and I am by no means making light of this), but the type I'm referring to is the kind that gets you thinking 'here we go again' when someone takes to describing (sometimes in raw detail) the next ailment to take over their sensibility.

For example, someone I see on a regular basis always, and I mean ALWAYS has something wrong with them. Be it 'their acid', or 'their sinuses', or 'their tinnitus; nothing you suggest will help as they've had it for years yet no doctor has ever been able to relieve them or do anything to help it! Fair enough, this is possible with certain conditions or problems but when that's your response for every single ailment you feel the need to share with me, I have to start wondering if maybe you're an undiagnosed hypochondriac.

What gets me even more than this, is the fact that when one person starts about 'my angina'; all of a sudden and like a Mexican wave, more and more people start chipping in how they have the same thing - but worse!!  Take this as an example:

Me: Morning - how are you??

Everyone: Good thanks

Complainant: errgh!

Me: Oh, what's up?

Complainant: Oh nothing, just my tinnitus / migraine / acid reflux / back ache / insomnia / swine flu ...

Me: Oh, that's not good. Have you tried (A?)

Complainant: Nah, that don't work cos back in 1984, (this) and (that) happened when I tried it.

Me: Does doing (B?) help?

Complainant: Well, only for a short while but then it comes back twice as hard

Me: Erm, well . . . maybe you should just (C?) to see if it makes a difference

Complainant: Nah; cos I'm allergic to V, W, X, Y and Z (especially Z), it would flare up my sores!

Complainant No.2: Yea, that exact same thing happens to my mother's, uncle's, cousin's friend!!

Ok, so maybe the above is a little extreme but it isn't all that far from the truth of certain conversations I have to endure.

Hypochondriacs, I feel, are also people who refuse to acknowledge the real reason behind a certain ailment or ill feeling, and instead create another interesting reason as to why it is what it is. Take my mother for example; let me inform you that the world's greatest hypochondriacs are the health professionals themselves. My mother was a nurse, a midwife more precisely so naturally she still has all the knowledge that got her through her nursing years. However for many many years you COULD NOT tell her nothing about anything that concerns her medically and unfortunately, a couple of things over the last decade have come and bit her in the a*se; I also at times can be stubborn but she has now given me the opportunity to demonstrate exactly WHO I got it from!

Although, one practice that I did adopt from her is to not 'own' any of these ailments (although she took this to the extreme that she don't admit something's wrong when it clearly is!). 'My' thyroids, 'my' reflux, 'my' allergy ... if it's yours, go ahead and keep it then - why would you wanna get rid of it! I think the moment you stop seeing it as something that belongs to you, you may have more of a chance of kicking it to the curb (or at least wanting to). Think of a child; the moment they say something is 'mine' - they aint giving it up for no one!!

My moral here is to is think positively if you want a positive outcome and rather than accepting and owning things that aren't right - fight them. Consider it a placebo pill!

So BDSSers, what other wonderful ailments have you been introduced to? Do you know anyone who has officially been diagnosed a hypochondriac?

Relationship Labels - Does facebooks 'it's complicated' define your relationships?

"It's been 6 months...where are we going?"

The reason I ask is because over the past few months I have witnessed a close friend of mine trying to establish a label-less 'thing' with someone else which never really got off the ground. The reason I think I did not get off the ground (or part of the reason) is because they never really had a clearly defined label for what the 'thing' occurring was. (Bear with me because even I feel I have not really explained it properly!).

You see she liked him and he liked her. They sneaked kisses here and there; they went for dinner dates and took trips to the cinema, the clubs and did other exciting stuff together. They also had in-depth conversations about what was going on with their lives their dreams, their ambitions and they even had sex a couple of times, but still no official label.

Conventional wisdom used to be that if she likes him and he likes her; and they engaged in all of the above the label most appropriate to be applied to them is that of 'couple'

Unfortunately today's conventional wisdom when she likes him and he likes her; and they engage in all of the above resembles more the modern FB's status of 'it's complicated'

Applying the appropriate label and at what time seems to be very complicated indeed these days; especially in the beginning stages of meeting someone.

Try to apply a label too soon and you may come off as desperate (which in most cases is detrimental). However put off labelling for too long and then requesting/demanding a label be applied; you may be met with some sort of resistance usually the old why fix what's not broken chestnut.

It's the classic 'where are we going' conundrum after 6 months of engaging in couple behaviour and not actually declaring yourself a couple. What do you do BDSS'er?

I read a very interesting piece in clutch magazine a few weeks back in which the author Danielle Pointdujour was discussing a similar theme: Hopelessly committed to non-commitment

In the piece Danielle described the different stages of  a committed but non-committed relationship:

At six months - things are great, he is great, everything is great –no label applied.

At twelve months – things are still going great, he is expressing the same sentiments as you but still no official label applied – 'its complicated' and 'why fix what's not broken' statements are made.

At two years - Things are greater still– you're living together with a young child but you realise still no official label applied - 'baby mother' does not really cut it! ha ha

Again what do you do? The author asked some interesting questions such as do you give up an otherwise perfect 'thing' which has no official relationship label?

I mean from the outside looking in, you act like a couple, think like a couple but between the two of you any discussion about an official label has been avoided so to not rock the boat. It is possible that this perfect 'thing' does not come with a wedding ring (all the ladies shudder ha!).

Me personally I love labels in fact when my friend was giving me all the juicy details of the label-less 'thing' that was going on between her and the person she likes (and who likes her back), I would often ask questions like:

“So… are you a couple.. then?”

“What is he saying, THEN?”

“What's going on with you and him....THEN?”

Clearly with the use of the word 'then' at the end of every question I was desperate to define what was going on between the two with some sort of label: 'f buddies', 'friends with benefits', 's*xing', 'lovers, 'mistress' or 'couple' any label would have sufficed after 6 months! lol

I think after a few months even my friend was confused because my questions where often met with the following response “nothing!” meaning just that 'nothing' official (label-less!)

I think labels are important because you know where you stand when dealing with someone. For instance if you're 'f-buddies' you know he's is not trying to 'wife' you. The label means what it says on the tin you f**king and that is all!

If your in an 'open' relationship you know your free to see other people.

As 'friends with benefits' the 'friends' part speaks volumes for when he wants to move on to someone else - as his 'friend' you still have to be there for him and do 'friend' stuff - no hating on the next 'girlfriend' or 'friend with benefits'.

It you're a 'couple' you know your not suppose to see other people (conventionally speaking). You know your only suppose to put all your affections into that one person.

A label set boundaries people! A label identifies a particular path the relationship should (or may) take. Having a label often means you know how to act; you know where you stand with a nice juicy label.

My friend 'ended' her 'thing' because it was going nowhere. Not only that she did not know how to act about certain issues. For instances if a week went by with hardly any communication could she call him up and complain? you know have the why don't you call me conversation normally reserved for couples  - nope why? because "nothing" was happening i.e., they were not a couple!

So anyways BDSS'ers do you agree that labels count? Can you relate? Have you ever been in a label-less relationship? What label defines your current relationship?

World Femininity Day......I missed it!

Did you know that yesterday 24th June was world femininity day? I accidently stumbled upon this fact whilst reading the guardian newspaper. The mission of WFD is:

"To acknowledge and celebrate femininity by women, for women, for humanity. We believe it is vitally important as women to be encouraged to feel powerful through our femininity as opposed to matching or competing with masculine ways of being to achieve power in our lives whether that be socially, in relationships, family or career. check out the website below."

http://www.worldfemininityday.com/index.html

Wear a flower in your hair, go on ladies this will make us all very feminine and empowered! This sucks so much I am probably the least feminine out of the BDSS ladies, I like to get ready and go, I wear no make up on a day to day basis the exception being when I have somewhere fabulous to go, I don't do my nails, or make a huge fuss over my hair. I am feminine in that I shave my arm pits and legs but I am not overly so. I work with my natural God given feminine attributes! I do occasionally dabble in youtube make up tutorials but after 2 minutes of watching, where the person is bringing out a 5th make up brush to apply a 3rd layer of foundation to the other layers already applied, I get disinterested. I think I do a sort of low maintenance femininity by default; I am a woman so I act as such and do feminine things. I often get people commenting on the fact that I don't wear make up on a daily basis like it is the strangest thing ever. However I feel very comfortable with my look and appearance and I know that when I glam up and get all womanly I feel great, so I don't feel the need to do it every day.

So I am wondering BDSS'ers what does femininity mean to you? How do you express it? And also for the BDSS'er guys, what feminine qualities do you love about women and how feminine does a sister have to be? Lol!

How Low Do You Go?

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Too 'Picky' (Is this why your single?)

Relationship Checklist

Following Deb's recent post (How Old is too Old) regarding age gap relationships I got into a very interesting conversation with a friend who was very vocal, adamant and certain a 52 year old man is too old for a girl of 25; even a girl of 30 (her own age!).

This all stemmed from a comment I made on Debs post which was something along the lines of a women of 25 is an adult and if she wishes to be with a man of 52 year old man; then let them be! My friend was basically taking the mickey out of me.

This mickey taking lead to an in-depth discussion/friendly argument regarding preference, choice; and being what I now consider 'too picky' when choosing a relationship.

Now I must admit this is a different way of thinking for me because previous to this conversation I never thought there was such a thing as 'too picky'. In fact I've always held the view that being 'picky' was a good thing (the reasons we may explore later).

My own personal view on a 52 year old male - they are not at all ancient, yes they may be nearer my mother's age however; there are plenty of 52 years olds in good shape. Also, at 52 they would have a good amount of life experience, as well as be financially together and a lot of other good qualities that come with age. So why rule out dating one if the over all package is good?

This reasoning fell on deaf ears my friend was having none of it!

“NOPE 52 years is too old!”

To the point were I found myself really trying to sell the idea of love with a 52 year old man–ha ha. (Don't start reading to much into this; I don't lust after 52 year old men regularly, but mainly because this is just how I and my friend regularly debate – taking opposite stances).

As you can imagine she brought up a number of reasons why a 52 year old is not a suitable mate:

a) “Their more suited to your mother-more things in common”

b) “What if they suffer ill health –you'll end up being a carer”

c) “What if you want to have children –they will be dead by the time the child is 18!” – My retort being:

d) “Nice to see you, to see you nice!” - if Bruce Forsythe is 70+ and having babies why can't me and my 52 years old man?

We then moved onto a discussed around other preferences that she has such as, she would not date anyone from a different religion (her being a Christian). She would not date anyone from a specific cultural or ethnic background (I hesitate to say this but specifically she mentioned Nigerian); someone who smokes or has children.

It was at that point (out of exasperation mostly) I started saying things like:

“But what if you met someone who is 52 years old and ticks almost all your other boxes?”

Or

“What if you met someone who smokes and they tick all your other boxes?”

And

“…just think about it… what IF you met someone who ticks all your other boxes but practices a different religion - religion don't make the man does it?” (in hindsight I can see I basically asked the same; and also rubbish question in a slightly different way – but I was desperate people! Ha ha)

To which she replied: “Well then he does not met my preferences at all!” Lol (with frustration)

My headstrong friend then pointed out love is not necessarily about 'love' rather it is about choice or personal preferences (so unromantic). In some respects I agree (relationships take work) but there was also a part of me that thought - you're ruling out someone who could potentially be 'the one' based on one little insignificant thing (is religion insignificant?) like smoking or ethnic origin.

I read an article a while back where a woman was recounting spotting a PH-(fine!) man at a friend's party. She asked her friend for the low down on this man and the report was good (unlike Sel's low down the other week: The BDSS: Its Not in Our Heads...!) This man was good looking, educated, good job (working with orphans), and just basically good everything (an eco-warrior); she said it herself he ticked all the boxes plus - he was interested in her too. So her friend got his number... but there was just one thing…a different religion!

She never ever did call him… again I say what IF...

So BDSS'ers what do you think? Is there such a thing as being too picky when choosing a relationship? Have you ever ruled out someone based on not meeting one specific preference? Have you ever met someone who ticked all your boxes? Do you even have boxes? What's in you box? (of preferences!)

Fathers You Count

In celebration of father’s day I thought it would be nice if we talked about the importance of fathers and although I love my father dearly I can’t lie in trying to write this post I was torn between conforming to the normal sentiments of fathers day (you know gushing about how much I love my father) and well…honesty!

When I think about my own relationship with my father and all the positive and negative feelings that have gone a long with it I recognise his big impact on me.

From my late childhood and early teens when he was not around as often as I would have liked, when visits were often sporadic and fraught with periods of waiting and disappointments I appreciate that he never cut the paternal strings completely.

Right through to now I’m an adult with my own child and now I can appreciate that he is only human just as I am; and just as I make mistakes as a mother/human so did he and I guess it affords me understanding which I did not have as a child.

You see as a child I can remember moments when I thought he was the worst man in the world and equally I thought he was the best at other moments.

What I want to get across with this post is how valuable fathers really are particularly in the early years when children are forming ideas about men and women and the world.

I could be wrong but in all honesty I take my fathers occasional absences, as a sign that possibly he underestimated his impact and role in shaping my life (I could be wrong)

The impacts of those early years are still with my father and I today.

Fathers I just want to let you know you count in your children’s life from the moment we are born we are told we should have a mother and father who protect, guide and love us unconditionally so to all those fathers out there protecting, guiding and loving their children – Happy Fathers day!

P.S, I am aware this is my own personal experience so BDSS’ers feel free to share your fathers day stories telling us about your fathers (stepfathers or father figures) and what impact they have had on your life.

Random S**t Happens

So we all have those days or weeks or months (some people may have years, in which case you may want to look inwards to see what your doing wrong!!) where shit happens and it is just wrong wrong wrong you just think this wasn't supposed to happen,  random inexplicable stuff.

Now I'm not talking about any serious life changing events, I'm just talking about the ridiculous things that you can survive and cope with and laugh at on a day to day basis: A few things that have happened to me that I have recalled are:

Cramps

Getting cramp anywhere in your body is bad enough but during sex is not good for a woman.  Guys sometime's try and carry on while this is happening to them, sometimes it works and they continue but sometimes it doesn't and they have to stop. For us women its not sexy at all, the cramp sets in, you start moaning wailing and your partner asks you if your coming (insert bb roll eyes here) and your like yeah right mate, get off me, and then you have to walk that cramp out, so you jump up and start pacing up and down like a mad woman at the time when you want to look your most sexy, cramp during sex is just wrong. Altho worse than cramp there was a time when I felt like I was having a heart attack, although it was probably just heart burn...ok moving swiftly on...........

Celibate

A few of us BDSS ladies have had this experience, where by you are seeing someone who is a firm believer in God and being a good christian, which is great, and when you've discussed the celibacy issue your told no I'm not celibate, so you think okay fair enough, the relationships plodding along everythings all good, you get intimate,maybe your intimate a few times and then all of a sudden BAM they announce that they are now being celibate. Ladies and gents I know you have been there!!! What is up with that? either your celibate or your not right? why drag people into your confused quasi-celibate shananigans. This is just wrong!

The thing is the same day when this person randomly uttered the celibate word, I'd spent the day trying to get in contact with someone for work and their voicemail was.....

Ironic right!! - I hadn't heard this song in years lmao!


Not as good as I remember (beer goggles)

I'll never forget the disappointment I felt when I looked at this person who had come to pick me up and I had to do a double take, he was much chubbier than I had remembered and I was thinking maybe what with having met him in a club, with the low lighting, mixed with being drunk, this was not good. If this wasn't bad enough he actually asked me, if he looked like I remembered him to be, now BDSS'ers I'm sure there are times where your face gives away your true feelings automatically without you wanting it to. As soon as he uttered the question I tried to mumble (I didn't want to lie to him too loudly! I felt less quilty this way) "oh yeah of course" in the most convincing voice possible, but my face just betrayed me (I hate this when this happens, its got a mind of its own and just contorted into this horrified look that said screamed hell no!) needless to say I never saw him again after that date, not that I wanted to, but its just wrong that he was not as hot as I remembered. 

My face betrayed me

I was on a night out with the ladies, we fancied a bite to eat, so where do you go? kebab shop clearly! I walk into the shop and come face to face with a drunk woman with missing teeth and who is looking very worse for wear, before I could stop my face, it gave this completely shock, scared, horrified look, I actually was startled and jumped back. I honestly felt so awful afterwards even though it was a natural reaction, needless to say the woman wasn't happy, she was cursing me in her drunk state, which was okay because it meant that I couldn't understand a word of the insults she was drunkenly slurring  and she posed no physical threat to me! I got my kebab and left!! Face betrayal is just wrong!

Cowboy dreads

I went to St Lucia in december and there were alot of things that surprised me about the place, for example, there seemed to be a lot of either rastaferians or people with their hair in locks over there. This I found curious so I did actually ask someone why is this, lol! but the funniest thing I saw out there was a dread galloping fast down the road on horseback,  A cowboy dread! This is not something I've seen or am used to and also what I couldn't for the life of me understand is where he was going so fast, and the ganja smell was wafting.

So BDSS'ers this is just some randomness thats made me laugh over the years, do you have any randomness to share? Be it sex cramps, sex farts, dates from hell, kebab shop fights, face betrayals or whatever, I'd like to hear from you, just so I know I'm not alone!!!

Step-families, How Do You Get it Right?

Step-Families

A few weeks ago I was surfing the net and stumbled on a parenting website, whilst at the site I came across a problem page, and read in disbelief as a man described pure hatred for his 4-year old step daughter. He complained about how she slept in the bed next to her mother because she was scared, and that her mother wasted their valuable time together by reading her stories, and taking her shopping. He hated the way she looked, spoke, acted and somehow delusionally felt that readers would offer him a sympathetic ear. Whoa, this man clearly didn't know what had hit him, because response after response was quite rightly telling him exactly where he should go and that he was by no means fit to be living under the same roof as this poor child. 

Now being a mother myself I was horrified not only for this poor child but also for her mother, who probably thought that this man was a really nice guy, and had been taken in by his deceit. By no means is it just some men that feel this way about their step children. A few years back I knew a lady that couldn’t stand her step son, of course she would never have admitted it to his father, but behind closed doors she described how she would hope that he would be killed in an accident, just so she could have his father to herself. She knew she was behaving disgustingly and even warned me about who I had around my own child “Because people think the way I do, they just don‘t show it.”

When you have children there is always much worry as to when you should introduce your new partner to your child. I was reading a book by Steve Harvey ‘Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man’ and he stated that women shouldn’t leave it a long time before they introduce a man to their child so that a man could clearly see the everyday running’s of their lives and appreciate their responsibilities. The danger with this is that some men would see this and run a mile leaving you with some explaining to do to your child, whereas if you take your time with introductions and get to know the person and share your life in everyday conversations they will stick around or realise it’s just too much responsibility and leave without getting your kids involved.

A few years back I was dating a guy and I would often notice that he wouldn’t ask about my son even though they hadn’t met. I thought this was impolite and enquired as to how he felt about me having a child, he honestly told me he wasn’t ready to take it on. At the time I was pretty annoyed, but looking back I am appreciative of his honesty, he saved me from a lot of chaos. But I also had to read between the lines. In the past I myself would say that I wouldn’t date someone with a child. By no means was it because of the child, but what came with the child, such has their mother = an ex girlfriend or wife. I have had my fair share of baby mama drama and it’s not the nicest of experiences, but I now have a completely different view of dating people with children, which is pretty much down to the individual and how they deal with the situation. I also used to think that people with children would have a better understanding of parenting and would therefore be better step-parents, I now believe it’s what is in the persons heart regardless of whether they have children or not.

Sometimes people go into relationships and see the children as being separate to their parents, and I think the examples at the top of the post illustrate this. Rather than thinking that this woman or man comes has a package with their child therefore your love and respect for the person you are with should also include the child, sometimes people see the parent and child separately which is just heading for disaster.

Talking from experience I know that it’s not easy being a step-parent; you are dealing with a child that you have not raised and are most likely being watched by the whole family and your partner as to how you are treating this child so have added pressure. Plus you may even have a child that resents the situation and use you as their target. I feel that it is very important to communicate any worries you have with your partner and think about how you both want to raise the child. I think that the basis should be to treat the child how you would treat your own, or would want your own child treated in such a situation. This is sometimes not completely possible in every way because you may clash (for example) with discipline and it isn’t always easy to start disciplining a child that you haven’t raised. The most important thing is to work actively to develop a bond with the child and see a positive relationship with them as being just as important as being a loving husband or partner.

I’ve known many people who have been raised in step families and have had brilliant relationships with their step-parents. I also know people who’ve had a nightmare growing up with step parents, mainly because core issues and foundations were not set up by the adults. So Readers and BDSSers would you date a man or woman with a child? If you have done, what have your experiences been? Do you think it’s possible to treat a step child as your own? When is the right time to introduce your child to a new partner?

How Old is Too Old?

It appears that we have a mentality of 'anything goes' in our modern day society; everything from changing your bra size at a moment's notice if you're unhappy with what nature gave you, wearing jeans with blazers, or airing out your most shameful dirty laundry on TV for the nation to see, right down to getting paid by the Government for not finding a job and guy-liner/skinny jeans for men!

But there is one trend in particular that appears to be on the rise in the popularity stakes; the age disparity (or gap) between us and our spouses, partners, lovers or significant others. You only have to watch Maury a few times to realise that 45 year olds sleeping with someone who is younger than even their own kids, no longer appears to be extraordinary:

Maybe I'm old fashioned. I remember talking with the BDSS ladies in the past about how 'young' or how 'old' we could consider and I can't say we were prepared to go all that far in either direction. But that's not to say it can't work or is always done out of perversion (for want of a better phrase :O). Definitions on the world wide net would lead us to believe that relationships of significant differences in age could be looked at in the following ways:

Sugar Daddy: a man who spends money for the benefit of a younger person, especially a younger woman typically implying that there is a romantic or sexual relationship between the two, and sometimes implying that the money-spending is, in effect, exchanged for sex.

versus the;

Gold Digger: any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account (or should that be bank balance) than she does about the man himself.

Or, quite possibly:

Cougar/MILF (i.e. mother I would like to...fancy lol) : A woman of middle age who actively seeks the casual, often sexual, companionship of younger males, who are typically less than 35 years old, energetic and up for anything.

Rhino/Mougar/Manther (all courtesy of Urban Dictionary): the male version of a cougar; an older man who preys on younger women, more times than most for sexual relations or gratification. A boost to the ego, supporting the notion he's still 'got it' .

Personally, I prefer the older man but as a baseline rule, would never date a man my mother's age (I would have issues to even consider someone of 67 or above!) or my child's age. Narrowing that down even more and out of personal preference I prefer to be with someone older than me, by no more than 5 years. That said, I have been open-minded in the past and my youngest partner was two years my junior. They say that girls mature quicker than boys and I used to find that even men of my own age (be it 19, 23, 25) came across much younger in mentality (granted, this does not apply to the whole male species out there, just the ones I came across!) There's something that I find 'safe' about a man older than me; I suppose we women are designed with the desire to be taken care of by a strong male, a head of household - I gats you!! But I also prefer them to be taller, stronger and all the other elements that I want from a relationship so I appreciate that this is not always defined by  someone older than I.

Although, this seems to have worked well in my family. My mother tells me that my Grandfather was nearly 20 years older than my Grandmother and likewise, she was some years younger than my father.

Celebrity Age-Gap Couples 

Purely for your information (or perhaps entertainment lol) below are a list of some famous celebrity couples with significant differences in age. . .

First, we have the “Cougars”:

- Ray Jay & Whitney Houston; 18 years, when they were together

- Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey; 11 years

- Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore; 15 years difference

- Lewis Hamilton and Nicole Scherzinger; 7 years difference

Then, the “Rhinos”, who appear to be a lot more generous with the gaps, yet representing a trend that has existed for centuries:

- Catherine Zeeta-Jones and Michael Douglas (25 years)

- Celine Dion and manager Rene Angelil (26 years)

- Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise (16 years)

- Danielle Bux, wife of Gary Lineker (19 years)

So BDSSers; what do you consider to be an acceptable age gap? How high would you fly and low would you go lol? Maybe the age gap is less significant the older you get? Or maybe it doesn't matter at all so long as the two people in the relationship make each other happy.

4 Months Natural -HAir hAIr HAaiiRr!

It's been a while since I brought you tales of my hairscapdes in fact it's been about four months!  Yep four months since I parted ways with my relaxed hair and embraced my natural curls. Within that time my hair has gone from strength to strength therefore it's only right I bring you lovely BDSS'ers an update -->insert smiles here<--

Those of you who read the blog around January may (or may not) remember this: One Week Twa in which I gushed about going back to my roots. Well today is no different... more gushing! ha ha :-D

Ok so before the gushing beginnings I would just like to say I have always been a 'hair person' and I think my ladies will understand what I mean as in there are some women who have no clue about doing hair and typically can not plait, cornrow or straighten hair to save their lives (and that's cool). Then there are women like me who from a young age has been plaiting, cornrowing, adding extentions (with gelled fringe to the side of the head :-d) for time! Also as the trends changed I graduated to relaxing and weaving my own hair and I can't lie in some of my weaving adventures the tracks were not pretty (if tracks could talk people) haha -but it looked good though ...(Moving on)

...I say this because I don’t want you to think that just because I have gone natural I am now hair crazy and spouting off the virtues of hair all of a sudden nope I have always loved hair and since going natural I love it even more <3

So without further ado I thought I'd tell you three things I love about my hair now and also add some pictures and a little extra... POW 

What I love:

1) Trendy! - For some reason when I dress up I look effortlessly fashionable (who'd have thought eh?) and when I say dress up I literally mean when I fling on some jeans, a t-shirt and some heels.  I've discovered due to my hair style being somewhat unique (even though it's not- it's just natural!) I kind of stand out and people compliment my hair often.

2) Aquaphobia be gone! - I no longer run for cover when it rains I just walk... in the rain! haha it kind of feels liberating. I've also learnt that water is actually my hairs best friends - it's great for moisture and not drying (someone feed me lies all these years!) 

3) Inspiration - Some people have said I have inspired them (eh? a further who'd have thought) how I'm not to sure but it's very nice to hear!

Pictures:

This is me after I cut my relaxed ends off *eek* I can't lie at this stage I was questioning what have I done!! haha (a few scraggly relaxed bits remained!)

With a bit of conditioner, gel and a hair band it looked great.

Tried to strike the same pose but failed... you can still see the growth though!

 

 Showing off my length :-D

*Bonus*... I was (or still am) playing with the idea of a Youtube hair chronicle check out my first video attempt. Warning -it's two months old and involves a lot of waffling -lol! (enjoy)

Anyways BDSS'ers thanks for letting me share, any questions or comments regarding mine or your own hair chronicles are warmly welcomed... remember we women spend a lot of money, time and effort on our hair, especially us black women (9 billion according to Chris Rock!) so get commenting!

Update... Vybz Kartel from Teacher to Bleacher to Babylon Tricker

Vybz Kartel - Babylon Tricker

So you know back in February we discussed Vybz Kartel and his alleged skin bleaching: Vybz Kartel from Teacher to Bleacher...…well its official people he did/does bleach but not for the reasons one would expect…

Vybz Kartel's offical statement as released on his offical fanpage 28/05/11:

"Many of you have heard or seen the recent accusations made by my former associates in the past few weeks. I don’t know why all of these individuals, think the most appropriate action to take after a philosophical difference occurs is to go to the press and attack me.

I can only say that I am reminded of Bob Marley’s admonishments when he said man is so unjust, you don’t know who to trust…your best friend can turn out to be your worst enemy…I shall say no more, other than who the cap fit, mek them wear it. I am issuing this statement because I think these accusations are due to a breach of confidentiality as certain individuals got wind of my upcoming projects and initiatives and they know they can’t stop me without resorting to underhanded tactics.

See Jamaica, Vybz Kartel has been carrying a secret for a very long time and I think it is time that I reveal it before persons try to derail the projects that I have put together by continuing to make false reports about me in their attempt to have me muzzled.two years ago, I had an epiphany whilst on stage. I saw thousands of people screaming for Kartel, jumping up and down, listening to ever word that I uttered on stage, it was like the people were eating out of the palm of my hands. At that moment, something strange came over me, as I heard the people screaming for more, I suddenly realized that my calling was to be more than a Deejay.

I realized that the people were not eating out my hands but they wanted to hear Kartel speak because finally somebody was telling their story in a profound no holds barred manner. Whether I was addressing sexuality,poverty, police brutality, injustice,the trials and tribulations of the ghetto I was finally giving ghetto people a voice – a big voice like society never heard before.

I know I am not the first that has ever attempted to do this. Because when I researched I saw that Marcus, Sam Sharpe, Paul Bogle all spoke directly to the powers that be on behalf of the people but were ostracized and in some cases killed. Later, Marley, Tosh, Jacob Miller did the same thing and all died young under unique somewhat mysterious circumstances. I have seen what they have done to ancient Rastamen, People’s Telecom, the Marcus Garvey Political Party and other entities that attacked Babylon head on.

I did not want the same fate to reach me at the time, I did not want them to muzzle me also, so I took a decision that I felt I had to, I had to trick Babylon. I realized if I kept doing outrageous and outlandish stuff, they would write me off as just an attention seeking artiste and not realize that since July 26, 2009 behind closed doors I have been writing my book and setting up my GEL (Gaza Education and Literacy) program. So they put the spotlight on me, not knowing that they were actually putting the spotlight on themselves because Vybz Kartel is not about braces, bleaching and hairstyles but I am about elevating the cause of Ghetto people.

Please understand Jamaica sometimes you have to trick Babylon with confusion. If I revealed my intentions two years ago, do you think the people that control the media would report everything I do? Babylon, you have been tricked. For 500 years, the system has been using reverse psychology to trick my people,I have now used reverse psychology to trick them Let’s see societal hypocrisy for what it is. Now that my book is going to be released, now that most of my songs will have a more cultural overtone as i have already taken the decision to stop deejaying gun lyrics, now that I am going to be providing educational opportunities for young people,will you be giving me the same attention?

In so far as business is concerned, I don’t agree that rum and a night club is an Empire. The Portmore Global Empire has been in the works for some time with proper infrastructure currently being put in place. I had anticipated certain moves and I have been in consultation with Attorneys in Pembroke Pines, Florida about proper branding, contracts, representation and protecting my legal rights globally. The team I have been working with are all degreed in the areas of Finance, Marketing, Mass Communications and have the expertise that I will need – it is funny when I hear “nobody can tell Kartel anything” when I have trained consultants who have aided me in planning my future projects. I have not finalized any decisions as yet but I have invested considerable resources to take my business endeavours to another level, so again, like Bob Marley said, half the story has never been told.

Now I know a lot of my fans are probably surprised but understand this,I feel called by a power greater than me. Black people have been suffering too long, we have been in poverty too long, we have been brutalized too long and Vybz Kartel is now advising the world that I will use the spotlight that you have put on me to highlight their cause. I am not naïve and I know based on recent interviews on TV that my life and freedom is more in danger than ever before because I have no intention of easing up on the system or their agents. However, I am at peace with this decision.The Gaza ladies, you are still my babies, so don’t worry, the black race must procreate so I will giving you more “Dumpa Truck” to drive in, you can still “Get Wild” and you will still ride your “10 speed bicycle” in “Slow Motion.” I will never stop deejaying for you. The “thugs,” you all built Kartel, so I will never alienate you but you may be getting some new messages from me.

It is unfortunate that I have been forced to prematurely make this statement as my book was slated to be launched on July 23, 2012 – His Imperial Majesty’s Earthstrong, my GEL program was for the September 2011-2012 academic year but the forces against me are rising on TV and in the newspaper so after consultation with the few trusted advisers I have left, I decided to make this release so that if they take my life or my freedom, the projects will continue. Keep in mind that the greatest black man that ever lived, Marcus Garvey, was betrayed by trusted individuals and endured continuous character assassination, so I guess I am in good company. We nah stop say Gaza4Life, we just upgrading the message."

So you see BDSS'ers it all makes perfect sense!

From his own mouth the outlandish behaviour (I'm assuming the bleaching, braces and braids) was a trick so Babylon would write him off whilst in the meantime he has been working on his Gel program and book; which the Gel program sounds great although he has not given much detail away in his statement; and the book will most definitely get a read! (to try and make sense of it all).

My one gripe: High Demand for Vybz Kartel Cake Soap

I mean he has definitely fooled babylon (and everyone else who took the outlandish behaviour as a sign of craziness), but now the truth is out why is he still selling his cake soap?

There is no doubt he is killing the dancehall music game so are the profit's from the cake soap going towards his Gel program? Let me not start on the fact that the great people he mentioned none of them acted outlandish to trick babylon for their cause!

I can't really think of a way to articulate the contradictions, paranoia and grandiose delusion coming from the above statement, so I think I will open it to you BDSS'ers what do you think? has the above statement cleared things up? what do you make of Vybz Kartel and how he has tricked babylon?

Rhianna - man down fuss/ Beyonce - do girls really run the world?

 

Rhianna -man down video

There has been some controversy over rhi-rhi's new video where in the opening scene she shoots a man dead, the video then flashs back to the previous day and it shows that this man had raped her. Tres depressing man. I love the reggae sound of the song, the lyrics I find are not bad in that she is singing about the remorse she feels about carrying out the act, however some people are unimpressed saying that the video is condoning the use of violence and that she is a role-model etc. What do you think bdss'ers? I personally can not see what all the fuss is about purely because there are so many violent programs on tv, and music video's etc that get shown, we'd need to ban them all! Why kick up a fuss about this one video when everything else is acceptable. You all may disagree, so share please.

Another song that has got people talking is Beyonce's video, Run the world (girls)

 

Do we really run the world??? Does this song empower women? Myself and my 16 year old nephew were listening to this song together recently and he was adamant that the song was just wrong, he totally disagreed with the message. Another person that strongly disagrees is: 

What do you think BDSS'ers? I think she raises some serious points, there is still a lot of work to do! But I do like the beat of the song and I do like the idea of women running the world.

So BDSS'ers do you have any thoughts or opinions on either songs, videos or debates they have stirred up or are you like me just sort of yawn lol! We must not take these music videos so seriously!

Black British or African-Caribbean? Who am I?

Black. Nubian. Queens 1999!

Standing at the school gates I was chatting to another mum who asked me where I was from. I informed her that my grandparents were Jamaican, and before I could finish what I was saying she said “Aaaahhh your English”. My son just interrupted me, because I was ready to get into a debate about why I’m not English , but fortunately I was saved because I really do not identify myself as such. I have been brought up to regard myself as African - Caribbean even though I have only visited the Caribbean through music, books, television, and the experiences of others and Nigeria, Africa, fairly recently for Christmas in 2009.

I personally feel that the other racial description for myself, 'Black-British,' lacks belonging; especially where the 'black' is concerned. It is an ambiguous term, and identifying myself to a place of my racial origin is important to me. The European history, which I was taught in mainstream school, did not offer some of the answers that I had in my young mind about my own cultural identity, which I was faced with, every time I looked in the mirror. Some of you may argue that as I, along with my parents, was born in Britain, then I am Black-British, but I say, ‘A tree without roots cannot grow’. Perhaps if Britain were as accepting as some people feel, perchance my need to identify with my heritage would not be as important to me. Such a need for cultural identification does not evolve without sources, I'll explain.

At the age of 16 I entered the shockingly multiracial environment of Hackney, East London. Prior to this I was brought up in a predominantly Caucasian area of Nottingham, and was amongst a handful of children from ethnic minorities, throughout my primary and secondary school education.

When I was around five, I remember walking to my local corner shop without a care in the world other than the ten pence mix that I was about to purchase. Then I heard it- "Black Jack! Oi, Black Jack!" Looking across the road I saw around four teenage boys, laughing and pointing at me. I remember not being able to comprehend the significance of such an event, and nonchalantly told my horrified mother, as I chewed on the Black Jack sweets when I got home.

On other occasions I would play with my next -door neighbours, who were from a Polish-English background. They would frequently call me Paki because of my mother's Asian partner, or Medusa due to my long single-plaited hair. I remember knowing that it was wrong, but I was an only child, and the thought of losing my playmates over racism that I was too young to comprehend, was unquestionable. I happily continued to brush their long blonde hair, whilst dreaming of becoming a hairdresser, so that I could style such hair every day, disregarding my own hair that was a source of amusement.

   

At infant school I was introduced to many new friends, yet my experiences with racism did not diminish. I remember eagerly awaiting my friend  invitation to her birthday party as she handed them out in the classroom, observing the sad look in her eyes when she came to me, and was forced to say,  “My dad doesn't like black people, but don't worry, I'll bring you some cake”. Children are like sponges, absorbing all aspects of the world. I didn't see an image of myself on birthday cards; the books I read did not tell a story about someone who looked liked me. I was a child who was too black to go to parties and so ultimately became withdrawn.

My mother wanted me to be confident and proud of my racial origin, acknowledging the racial ignorance's within society and its effects on me. At the age of eight I was sent to the Steve Biko Saturday School, which supplemented my maths and English education, whilst also educating me about African/Caribbean history, which I was not taught in mainstream school. It is there I learned that African inventor’s and historical figures existed, and that African, Caribbean and African-American history did not begin and end with slavery. I never had  an African/Caribbean teacher in mainstream school, but at Saturday school, African/Caribbean teachers were the only majority. With this new found knowledge I learned that members of my race were and continue to be, teacher’s, scientist's, astronauts, explorers and doctors, and not explicitly singers and sports men and women, which I predominantly saw in the media. I most importantly realised that an achievable path had already been laid for me, and all I needed to do, was walk it.

   

A very different child emerged, one who would question, "Why do we say blackmail?". Fortunately, most of my teachers liked my inquisitiveness,. often pondering with me the negative perceptions equated to 'black', the racial description, most people gave my race.

At secondary school, I set out on a one girl mission to implement black history into the classroom. Every presentation I tendered had something to do with Africa or the Caribbean, albeit history, music, or literature, set amongst the classroom chorus of "Here she goes again!" but I was undeterred and my Caucasian classmates would listen intently, affectionately calling me, 'Nubian Queen', until we left school in 1999.

Reflecting on my experiences, I am thankful for every one, good and bad. I am happy that I know aspects of European history, yet proud that I have my own history and land with which to identify. Without identification, would I be sharing my experiences with you today? So BDSS ladies what were your childhood experiences when dealing with race? Were you ever confronted with racism? What do you feel comfortable with when ticking those application forms? Readers please share your views! I believe that ‘African Heritage Month’ should not just be celebrated in October, so look out for my monthly posts on brilliant figures that weren’t in the history books at school, as well as topics relating to people of African descent.

Its Not in Our Heads.......Reasons Why Women Believe Men are such Big Cheaters!

Ladies this sh*t is getting serious out here lol! Make sure you ask the questions.....Do you have a girlfriend, are you married etc.

Honestly, I do think that the opposite sex, although they know how their fellow mandem (male friends) operate, they like to go on like we women are exagerating and completely irrational when it comes to our tendancy to believe that the majority of men cheat.

But you know a lot of the time this assumption comes from experiences. For example, you might have been cheated on in a previous relationship, and obviously the same can be true for men also because don't get me wrong, women cheat too.

But just to educate you guys so you're aware, it's not always just some irrational thought processes going through our heads. I've just compiled a quick list of reasons other than the film waiting to exhale, the cheating celebrities: Tiger Woods, Arnie, and Wayne Rooney etc, and the above that we think this:

1) Firstly, a lot of women (and I include myself in this) will have grown up with a male in their family, be it their own father, an uncle, brother or cousin who always has a harem of women around them and I'm not talking harem pants here (lol okay so that joke was rubbish but you know what I'm saying!); they have a conveyor belt of women. Occasionally with multiple women giving birth around the same time! 

2) Every woman has at least one male friend who can give them the 411 (info) on what you guys get up to, they are just like your female friends but a male version you talk about most things with, cheating included. You disclose indiscretions with each other so we know you guys are more than capable.

3) We get approached by married men quite a bit, trying to arrange to take us out.....I guess the idea is to slowly turn us into a mistress. Don't mention the wife and kids until after some point when you can't hide them any longer!

This last point was the catalyst for the post. After going on a night out, giving this seemingly unattached male my BB pin (he asked and seemed harmless enough), we talked over the weekend and provisionally arranging a first date, one of my friends lightheartedly said to me "shall I get you the info on this person" so I said yes why not, not really thinking much of it (now don't worry, I didn't get someone to illegally gather all his personal information - that's not my thing, BDSS don't get down like that lol). She simply asked a friend of hers, who happened to be a friend of hi,s a few questions. So the 411 report came back:

He is married with a child just over a year old (but he may have been seperated from his wife I hear you cry!!!!......umm NO!!) When I brought it to his attention that I was aware of his family therefore no longer interested, he came with an excuse about how he tried to fight his feelings but that he just couldn't make a man forget his wife and child (clearly my dance-moves and BB banter is on point lol!....I can give you lessons - kidding!!) Clearly this man was willing to take another woman out behind his wife's back and not make me aware he had a wife.

Fine, fine, so not all men cheat just quite a few of you do, but the proof is in the numerous married men who try and date me!

Can you think of any other reasons BDSS'ers? What are your thoughts? Comment, share!